Natural? No more for now, please!

What started off in the name of good ol’ fashioned, natural home remedies, ended with some shameful re-evaluation earlier today.

It all started, innocently enough, with a clove of garlic:  the delicious superfood with potent antibacterial qualities.  Just what I thought I needed to help clear up some lingering effects of this pesky sickness.  I’m all for trying natural home remedies (not to mention the fact that I have no health insurance), so I decided to bite the bullet and chew up a whole clove.  It treated me fine earlier today, so why not go for round 2?, I foolishly thought.

No sooner had I chewed up the little guy and pushed him down with a gulp, when I felt a violent kickback, like the butt of a rifle that had misfired.  Never before in my life have I ever felt the urge to projectile vomit than I did in that horrific moment.  The warning buzzer started whooping in my ears, and the message was urgent:  BAD MOVE.  MUST VACATE IMMEDIATELY.  NO GRACE PERIOD TO WALK IN A DIGNIFIED MANNER TO THE TOILET.  RUN.  GRAB A HAIR-TIE ON THE WAY.  RUN.

So I assumed the traditional posture, kneeling on the floor in a most undignified fashion.  And for a good ten minutes I rocked back and forth, waiting for the ordeal to begin.  It’s strange, in that moment before getting sick, I feel like some kind of gallant warrior that has come to accept her fate, and bravely faces the coming test of strength.  I steel myself mentally against what’s to come.

But I also couldn’t help but wonder, as I think most people with their heads stuck in a toilet do:  What the f— am I doing with my life?  What terrible decisions led me down this dark road, my head hovering over the toilet bowl?  And then my mind wandered further… Why didn’t I just go to the doctor and get some real medicine?  What am I doing dabbling with these remedies… Next time don’t be such a cheap tightass!  Why don’t I have insurance?…

So I rocked and I sweated and I re-evaluated all the poor decisions that led to that hellhole of burning discomfort.  Surprisingly and fortunately for me, the contents of my stomach settled and eventually stopped their violent pushing.  It was over.  I had won the battle with my mental fortitude and superior peristalsis.  Once sure that the beast was asleep, I scurried back to the couch to regain some comfort and dignity.

Yes, I’ve decided to leave the whole garlic cloves to the informed home remedy experts from now on.  I will dabble no more.

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