Ah, to be back in the fold of cultural adjustment. While I’ve got an emotional security net in the form of F, I find myself searching for a place to fit in on my own accord. I’m working on finding a niche that I can fit into, without relying on the co-dependence of a relationship. I’m also working on handling the practical difficulties involved with communicaton, and dealing with the feeling of having to “dumb down” complex ideas into the (sometimes clumsy) words I’ve got at my disposal. All this is combined with the ever-present task of looking for whatever work I can get, in order to have 2 centimes to rub together.
It’s during this time of paring down, building up from my feeble French, and having no job, that the voice of authenticity has room to break in. I’ve got less structure, less pressure, and more energy to wholeheartedly pursue what I want. I’ve got more mental clarity to fully absorb new ideas. I feel secure enough to consider changing professions and realizing what pursuits I’m attracted to. I have the time to think about which direction my life is headed, whether or not I like the track I’m on, whether or not I’m respecting my genuine self, and in what direction this vehicle needs to head in.
In short, I’m choosing to find my agency during this time of instability, instead of fear and insecurity.
Maybe in order to get into intimate contact with that quiet voice inside, my process requires leaving the beaten path. It’s one in which I need silence and solitude to go through properly. I’ve learned that I need to set myself up in a potentially uncomfortable, unstable situation in order to see what’s what. Security = mental laziness. I suppose I’ve got to go off the tracks and into the woods (to use a phrase I’ve borrowed) in order for the kind of ideas I’m looking for, to give me a direction. To take away the comfort of security, so that I’m freer to to find the right direction.