Category: Humor

Fraidy Cat

Memories, circa 1995.

I had an “overactive imagination” that fed ravenously on anything mysterious or taboo.

I was morbidly fascinated by the true-crime and conspiracy programs my dad would watch late at night.  I’d sneak out of bed and get a peek of the television; wide-eyed, I’d take mental notes about potential warning signs:  creepy white guys and alien tracks were at the top of my list.  Did you know that a distinctive stone is produced in the spot where an alien falls to the ground?

(I just tried Googling “alien leaves stone on ground where it falls on its butt” to find the original clip on Youtube.  No luck.)

I would get a cold thrill when I heard the dramatic music of America’s Most Wanted.  John Walsh’s composed newscaster-like persona told sinister murder stories with a detached, factual demeanor that totally creeped me out.  I was haunted by the composite sketches and mugshots they’d display at the end of every dramatized murder re-enactment.

Immediately thereafter, I’d run to the bay window overlooking our front yard and rip open the heavy curtains to look outside.  All I would see was the same orange streetlight glow reflecting off car windshields.  Quiet suburbia.  A little too quiet, if you asked me.

Thus was born the conspiracy-driven investigative fixation of my childhood.

I was ever-vigilant, on the lookout for crazed murderers in our suburban cul-de-sac.  I also set intricate traps in my bedroom to thwart potential extra-terrestrial room invaders.  Webs of yarn strung like a spiderweb, marbles on the carpet to make an intruder slip and fall, my toys placed with painstaking precision so I’d spot any slight disturbance or irregularity in their arrangement.  The only intruders I ever caught were my poor parents trying to tuck me in.

§

Fast-forward to adulthood.

I’m a notorious fraidy cat.  I don’t enjoy watching horror films, or any media with extreme, graphic violence.  However, I’m still fascinated by grisly stories, true-crime cases, and creepy unsolved mysteries.

Hearing a true scary story around a campfire is way creepier than watching fictional dramatized storytelling on a big screen.  A mental image is vibrant enough, and even more terrifying than someone’s attempt to visualize a “scary” image.  Our imagination fills in the dark cracks with those terribly personal innermost fears, those secret things that take hold of us in our nightmares.  Our own intimate fear triggers that make our pulse quicken and give us chills when we’re alone in the dark of night.

As for me, I don’t set alien traps or supervise neighborhood surveillance anymore.  But I always lock my doors, keep my eyes open, and take an extra cautionary peek over my shoulder.  Just in case.

Humbug.

It’s that time of the year again, and I’ve been looking forward to it. Silver lights suspended all around town from the beautiful Haussmanian balconies, and neat rows of red and blue cabins erected in the town center. The Christmas Market is the embodiment of the spirit of the season. I love the glow of the lights, the smell of cinnamon and mulled wine, and the glorious explosion of rich colors. The holiday season is a beautiful time to be alive.

With this lovely image in mind, I dance out of work, looking forward to strolling about the market on my way home. My spirit is light, and I’m surprised there aren’t twittering doves lifting my coattails on the way out.

I arrive at the market with a bounce in my step.

A young couple is swinging their bags as they stroll, and they’re unceremoniously perfect in converging into my path, cutting me right off. No matter, they must be so lost in their loving reverie that they didn’t see me.

Then my heart starts to sink as I pass by each little cabin.

Vendors are selling snake oil and toe socks, ugly overpriced jewelry and cured saucisson that smell like feet. Waffles and churros are made from boxed mixes and dredged with off-brand imitation Nutella. Sacrilege.

Warped speakers vomit out “Last Christmas,” and the tinny sound of George Michael narrates my walk through town. The song echoes and distorts off the storefronts, intercut with snippets of banal dialogue.

A vendor is displaying huge slabs of chocolate, filled with nuts and dried fruit. There is no plastic barrier, and I imagine passersby inadvertently touching the chocolate with their putrid hands, and germy children sneezing all over it. Merry Christmas, Grandma; here’s a taste of gastroenteritis.

A group of sour-smelling, salty-looking homeless dudes play patty cake while their dogs gnaw at their rope collars. One dog is spreading his own Christmas cheer all over the sidewalk; something tells me he hasn’t been eating enough kibbles.

All the while, George Michael’s buttery voice indulges the word “special,” and it’s following me at every turn. His sensual whispers are giving me douche chills. I try to keep my spirits up as he flirtatiously caresses each word, but it’s starting to wear on my soul.

Just ahead, a fat homeless guy shuffles along, muttering to himself. At once, like a backfiring jalopy, he fires out of both ends. He releases a massive wet fart, then coughs up onto the cobblestone.

A crescendo of wails starts up from the other side; a kid has just evacuated his churro all over the front of his jacket. Mom looks beyond exasperated, and she herself is fighting the urge to gag as she wipes up her kid with cheap disintegrating napkins.

I don’t have time to wish them a Merry Christmas because I’m dancing around the pavement now, swerving and side-stepping the well-trodden doggie piles. Like an unholy mandala, the traces of shit radiate outward from the foul nucleus. Animals.

This is no Christmas market. This is criminal. This is a farce.

On a human level, this is offensive. They’ve taken the spirit of Christmas, dolled it up with rouge and cheap perfume, and sold her off to the highest bidder. They’ve turned her out, and for what? As Seen On TV gimmicks and radio-controlled planes that the vendor insists on dive-bombing in front of you, expecting you to be impressed. Where are the homemade crepes with real fucking Nutella? Where’s the hippie selling handmade hemp bracelets and artisanal soap? This is sordid business.

Tim Curry is laughing diabolically somewhere, as “Time of My Life” starts to ooze out of the speakers. I gotta get outta here, man.

The holiday season is a beautiful time to be alive? Humbug.

Why do mannequins have nipples?

The first logical thought is that they’re there to show fabric transparency and thickness. But are there that many women who go braless that the nippled mannequin is necessary? And if it’s a question of pert nipples potentially ruining your next family photo, why don’t male mannequins have nipples?

Do they up the resale value?

In case of emergency, use mannequin torso to break glass?

Perhaps they’re the product of a 40-year-old virgin at the mannequin factory on a dare:
“Say Mickey, there’s rumors flyin’ around that you’ve never had yourself a dame.”
“Screw you Tony, I been with plenty ‘a broads. Look, I even know where the nipples go.”

Or is it a shoutout to all those dadboners out there, to throw them a piece of PG eye candy? You know the kind of male specimen: uptight, high-strung with ergonomic sneakers and high-waisted jeans, responsible polo shirt and fanny pack, keepin’ it Christian. The ones that hate their job, but love their family… at least, when they’re not dreaming about what they could have done with their lives. The kind of male specimen that accompanies his wife while shopping, holding her bag, waiting patiently for her while fantasizing about revving the station wagon engine and leaving her nagging ass in the dust. He’s sitting like a good boy, when out of the corner of his eye, a tight little number catches his eye. A quick glance around confirms, nobody’s watching. He lets his eyes dip down to admire the pert perfection of the daringly stylish mannequin. He admires her figure, reminding himself that it’s not infidelity if she’s made of plastic. His heart beats a little faster, he licks his lips, and dusts off his former signature move; coquettishly, he winks at her. No response; she’s playing hard to get. No matter, he thinks. I’ll be back next week, my sweet.

Hey, everyone deserves their little slice of happiness.

And that’s why mannequins have nipples.