Tagged: anxiety

Center

I’m not a spotlight reveler.  I’m the one reveling in anonymity and dancing in the negative space around the spotlight.  Like an escaped prison convict, I tend to go wide-eyed and freeze up in the blinding light of attention.
But when you get married, it’s kinda the point to be the center of attention.
Dress shopping and decision-making are turning things a bit sideways, as I learned yesterday.
Wedding dress shopping, first stop.  The bridal shop saleswoman is a mousy woman with wire-rimmed glasses and short dark hair.  She listens expectantly as I describe what I’d like, hoping to end the choreographed dance around the Price Question as soon as urbanely possible.  Finally, I name my budget, and the woman curtly responds, “No, madam, that just isn’t possible.  For what you want, you’re looking at X.”
X is several hundred euros more than I had imagined.
There are three people watching me fidget, and make a snap decision.  The potency of my French turns from espresso to dishwater.  I feel hot, and my throat starts to tighten.  I’m looking blankly into the seller’s eyes, and noticing that despite her calm mask, her skin is flushing.  My skin flushes in tandem, and my tongue swells.  The silence is oppressive, and I suddenly feel like a foolish girl.  I step outside my skin and envision how I must look, slack-jawed and cloddish, with my simple thumbs curled through the belt loops in my careworn jeans, surrounded by pristine white gowns.  I feel so inadequate.
“Well, then, I suppose it’ll have to be that much, but no more.”
“It’s you who decides, madam, not me!”
I can feel the eyes of my mother- and sister-in-law on my back, silently sharing this clumsy moment with me.  I want to evaporate.
My heart sinks as I try on several gorgeous wedding dresses.  I let my hair loose, and I admit to myself that I do look very nice.  My throat is still tight, and I manage to squeak out that, indeed, they flatter my figure.  I purse my lips, and as six eyes expectantly wait for a definitive “yes,” and that signature bride-to-be’s squeal of glee at finding The Dress, I feel myself crumbling inside.  I feel like a hollow doll, slathered in pretense and lace.
What’s the tactful way to say that this doesn’t feel right?  That I’m not cut out for this ostentatious charade?  How would Emily Post orchestrate my exit strategy?
“Well, this is a big decision that I’m not ready to make right now.  I think I’d like to sleep on it.”
I take the woman’s business card, slide it into my bag, and smile as I show myself the door.  Damn, that was rough.  But I’m happy that I listened to my gut instinct and did what was right, albeit uncomfortable:  I said no.
Even if I stumbled and scraped a knee back there, I think Emily would be happy with my (somewhat) diplomatic retreat.

Fraidy Cat

Memories, circa 1995.

I had an “overactive imagination” that fed ravenously on anything mysterious or taboo.

I was morbidly fascinated by the true-crime and conspiracy programs my dad would watch late at night.  I’d sneak out of bed and get a peek of the television; wide-eyed, I’d take mental notes about potential warning signs:  creepy white guys and alien tracks were at the top of my list.  Did you know that a distinctive stone is produced in the spot where an alien falls to the ground?

(I just tried Googling “alien leaves stone on ground where it falls on its butt” to find the original clip on Youtube.  No luck.)

I would get a cold thrill when I heard the dramatic music of America’s Most Wanted.  John Walsh’s composed newscaster-like persona told sinister murder stories with a detached, factual demeanor that totally creeped me out.  I was haunted by the composite sketches and mugshots they’d display at the end of every dramatized murder re-enactment.

Immediately thereafter, I’d run to the bay window overlooking our front yard and rip open the heavy curtains to look outside.  All I would see was the same orange streetlight glow reflecting off car windshields.  Quiet suburbia.  A little too quiet, if you asked me.

Thus was born the conspiracy-driven investigative fixation of my childhood.

I was ever-vigilant, on the lookout for crazed murderers in our suburban cul-de-sac.  I also set intricate traps in my bedroom to thwart potential extra-terrestrial room invaders.  Webs of yarn strung like a spiderweb, marbles on the carpet to make an intruder slip and fall, my toys placed with painstaking precision so I’d spot any slight disturbance or irregularity in their arrangement.  The only intruders I ever caught were my poor parents trying to tuck me in.

§

Fast-forward to adulthood.

I’m a notorious fraidy cat.  I don’t enjoy watching horror films, or any media with extreme, graphic violence.  However, I’m still fascinated by grisly stories, true-crime cases, and creepy unsolved mysteries.

Hearing a true scary story around a campfire is way creepier than watching fictional dramatized storytelling on a big screen.  A mental image is vibrant enough, and even more terrifying than someone’s attempt to visualize a “scary” image.  Our imagination fills in the dark cracks with those terribly personal innermost fears, those secret things that take hold of us in our nightmares.  Our own intimate fear triggers that make our pulse quicken and give us chills when we’re alone in the dark of night.

As for me, I don’t set alien traps or supervise neighborhood surveillance anymore.  But I always lock my doors, keep my eyes open, and take an extra cautionary peek over my shoulder.  Just in case.

Airplane

My stomach sinks, then jumps into my throat. I can’t breathe. Braced for impact, eyes are gritted together, and bitter tears start to eke out. Is this my fate, to die with shitty airline food in my stomach? Clutching to F’s sleeve, dampening it with my anxiety and dark imagination. I’ve lived a good life. I hope everyone knows I love them. I hope my mother-in-law doesn’t lose respect for me when she’s forced to go through my dirty laundry and bed-side table… Our plane is rocking side to side as the captain tries to land in a rainstorm. The French couple behind us sound nonplussed as they contemplate their lunch options. Two feet away, I’m having an existential crisis, regretting my shortcomings and life choices.

We finally touch ground, and the passengers give a round of applause. I’m short of breath, wiping away tears. Screw this plane, I want out!

§

For the second and final leg of the journey, the sun has come out.

Turns out Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson bring the funk hard enough for me to forget how much I hate takeoff. This time, I’m too busy bopping like Carlton to notice the horrible airplane engine revving. The sky is a perfect prism of rainbow, sitting above perfect Bob Ross clouds. Happy little clouds.

I’ve passed through the doom of my turbulence, and I can find humor around me once again.

I have seven hours to kill. I start by watching the people around me and judging them based on their in-flight movie choice. The dadboner to my right is cracking up at The Hangover. Hair parted down the middle, checked button-down, corduroy pants: check, check, and check. He’s taken off his shoes, and his little toesies wiggle in their comfy socks. Sitting in front of him is a nerdy scruffy dude watching Casino Royale. It’s a series of sculpted, eternally sweaty men gazing intensely at each other. So hot.

Me, I’m jamming. Lipsynching to Mariah Carey one minute, then pulling an Elvis lip when nobody’s around and I can get away with it. Hell, if everyone on this plane were asleep, I wouldn’t be against the idea of practicing my Michael Jackson flair leg kick. “Bad” comes on, and suddenly the cabin lights dim. You know I’m bad, dah, jamon! In my mind’s eye, I’m wearing a jaunty fedora. I sling a suspicious gaze at every passerby; the scowl transforms into a knowing smirk. Heh… I eat punks like you for breakfast. Then my profile slides neatly out of view. The song in my ear changes, and in my imagination I AM Lady Gaga’s background singer, wearing a velour onesie, saucily wagging my finger and hollering about my fill-in-the-blank. Yeah, if I wanted to, I could totally sing like that.

§

It’s a flight that arrives just in time for Christmas, and I appreciate the effort they’ve put into making it feel festive around here. Flight attendants wear earrings with Rudolph and candy canes. Buttons that read “Michief Maker.” Somehow, I doubt that. Garlands (admittedly a bit scraggly) have been hung, crookedly designating the bathrooms. One is awkwardly draped, the shape reminiscent of a middle-schooler’s tentative drawing of the road map of a woman’s reproductive system. No matter. It’s got a certain charm to it.

At the moment, we’re just off the southern coast of Greenland. Traveling back in time. We left Dublin at 3:00pm, and arrive on the East Coast just before 5:00pm. I’m almost home! I’ll be laughing about all this in no time…

Tuesday

I wake with a start; something’s not right. I look at my clock. 7:50. Shit, my train leaves at 8:08. At once, my body is electric and I jet out of bed. Wake F. Brush teeth. Clothes. Clean? Close enough. Breathe. There’s always time for mascara. Shoes. Door. Engine revs. Have a good day, darling. Slam door. Get to platform. Orange letters glow: RETARD ENVIRON 15 MIN.

Well, I’ll be. Train’s delayed 15 minutes. I’m going to be late for work.

I could stamp the pavement and act all outraged. But why should I? Fortune was kind enough to me today, why stress on what’s out of my control? Here, now, in this moment, I am in control of myself.

I take a deep breath.

The sky above is a deep dusty blue and the pavement smells like rain. I look beyond and down the tracks, where they bend to the left and disappear into the trees. A station employee unearths a rusty bicycle from somewhere, swings his leg around to mount up, and rides down-track. His orange reflective jacket billows behind him as he rides off.

A guy with grungy dreadlocks is playing music off his phone. He sets down a plastic Coke bottle filled with water, and lights a doobie. Funky hip-hop. Globby, throaty wow-wows of brass yield to punctuated syncopation of rapping. I tap my foot to the rhythm of his music. This makes way better company than the usual moldy office workers with their horrid morning breath, tapping their feet in disapproval. No, this train platform is where I can have a peaceful moment to myself today.

Just another Tuesday morning.

Unwelcome?

About this time last year, I received a huge wake-up call.

Amid great joy at welcoming my mom to France, I got home, showed her around the house, and sighed when I saw the letter. The long-awaited letter from the French administration about my visa…

I had been denied. I was ordered to leave the country within 30 days.

In other words, I was being deported.

My chest and face felt hot, and my heart felt covered in sludge.

I felt humiliated at the rejection. I thought everything was fine, but the French administration deemed my ties to the country as insufficient. I thought I had finally found some stability in my life with my partner. But someone in an office took a cursory look at my life on paper, deemed it to be insufficient, and decided to turn me away. Whoever deemed my ties to France “insignificant” wasn’t there to see F and I, and the life we were building together. They couldn’t know that I had integrated into French life, and that I had a kick-ass community around me.

Needless to say, I was also scared shitless. This was one of my worst fears, and it had come to life.

The burning dread of deportation was softened by the steadfast support I got. I was touched and honored by the efforts of our friends, family, and community, who each contributed something to my appeal:  messages, reassuring, contacting people who could help. French administration found out in short order exactly how much support I had.

In a whirlwind, the order of deportation arrived, I managed to enjoy my mother’s stay in France, we submitted my appeal, and I was finally granted my visa. In one month.

In the aftermath, I was walking on new legs. Post-rollercoaster jelly legs. I dodged a bullet and I knew it; I had begun phase two of my life in France: P.D.O. (Post-Deportation Order) And if I had learned anything, it was that my resolve to stay here was solid; I wasn’t about to go anywhere. I realized what I wanted because it had almost been taken away.

In a month, I will go back with F to submit my visa renewal application. Even if I’m confident in my case, there’s that sneaking twinge of doubt behind my ear. My chest burns again when I dare to think, “What if…?”

When dealing with someone who’s done you wrong before, you never see them the same way again. Once you get bitten by one dog, you eye all dogs with suspicion. It takes one letter to upend your life. But the road doesn’t end; you steel yourself and move forward, even if it’s one manageable baby step at a time.

Even if it’s not okay now, it will (one day) be okay again.

Fog

A numb fog coats everything, muffles sound, diffuses and obscures light, makes the air seem much colder than it is. It hangs heavy, making the air into something you could grab fistfuls of.

Feels like my head’s wrapped in a pillow; the voices around me sound like caterwauling trumpets corked up with mutes. All I can hear clearly is the song stuck in my head. Today it’s Janis, singing from her toes, electric and pure: “A woman left lonely will soon grow tired of waiting, she’ll do crazy things, yeah, on lonely occasions…” The view that extends in front of me looks white and milky. Like a massive kingdom of spiderwebs. The fog outside is unmoving and swallows anything you throw into it, like a black hole. And all the while, I’ve got a vibrant spectacle taking place inside.

Inside, I’m singing from my own damn toes, stamping my feet, swinging my hair around. Singing until my eyes overflow and I choke the words out through fits of laughter. I’ve got a whole world of feeling and life in this vessel, no matter how thick the fog is out there.