Tagged: spitballing

Destabilize

I step into a baby clothing store on a whim, looking for a gift for a friend who’s just given birth. The shop is cheerful and whimsical, with a fluffy pastel cotton-candy interior. I’m a bit disoriented in this foreign world of cutesy teeny-tiny fashion.

Smelling fresh carrion, two black-clad saleswomen croak “Hello” and descend upon me. They bare their teeth into something resembling a smile.

One of them, an older woman with deep-set eyes, indicates the rack for newborns. I peruse the adorable clothing, realizing a simple onesie costs 55 euros…

I have no time to fake a polite exit before the dark-eyed woman re-materializes in a cloud of heavy perfume and the oppressive stink of 30 years’ worth of cigarettes and red wine. There’s something sinister about this husky-voiced woman with stingy hair and George Washington’s wooden teeth, cooing at me with a saccharine voice.

“How old did you say the baby was?”

“Uhm, about 2 months.”

“So it’s NOT a new baby then!”

“I guess not…”

“Et, c’est dans quel pays?”

My eyes narrow in confusion, and my mouth is parted–I’m breathing discreetly through my mouth.

Quel pays? What country? What kind of trick question is this?

“Pardon?”

She repeats herself, cartoonishly enunciating “Quel PAYS?” Her gray teeth stand out against the spackle caked on her face; she looks like a 20’s vaudeville clown.

“France.”

“No, no, no…” Her colleague joins in behind, and they are now both braying at me, in tandem: “Pays, pays, pays…”  All that’s missing here is an undead barbershop quartet to complete this ghastly spectacle.

What did I do to gain entry to this hellish dog and pony show?

“WHERE?”

“The south of France…?”

“Oh, voilà! You know, we only ask because every region’s weather is different, every season is different, which you must keep in mind when shopping…” Her smarmy response disgusts me, and their logic has me stumped.  I don’t belong here in this farce. I respond with logic that might speak to them:

“Well, this is a travelling baby. You know, the kind of baby that travels all over France with her parents, so any kind of clothing would be fine… At any rate, thanks very much for your help, have a great day!” I chirp and fly out of the store.

The air outside is heavy and oppressive, offering no relief from the burning that stings the back of my throat.  I feel foolish, destabilized, unsettled.  Despite their bizarrely condescending behavior, I still suspect the fault lies with me and my insufficient French.

It’s time to retreat home.  I’ll buy the gift another day.

Smug

“Yeah, when I was in New York on business…”

“Those 2 weeks I was in the U.S…”

“The food is terrible… all those hamburgers and hot dogs…”

“American culture?  What culture?”

“There’s not much history there, is there?”

“Ugh, that American accent… I can’t understand a thing!”

“The thing about Americans is…”

 

I mold my teeth back into a stiff-lip chiclet smile.  Heh, heh.  Very amusing.  They look so comfortable, self-assuredly snickering at a caricature of a country they love to shit on.

I observe with fascination the smug joy in their eyes, the derisive wheezy laugh.  All driven by a glaringly misguided, yet gloriously seductive need to be better than.

Why should I rain on their shit-parade?  I wouldn’t dare spoil their moment of naive delight by questioning their pseudo-intellectual, stunningly brash hubris.  There are indeed plenty of things to criticize, sure, but they’re pulling at low-hanging rotten fruit.  The bland revelation is too simple, too deliciously satisfying to resist.

Is this how they go through life?  Satisfied with a facile, self-serving version of reality, with no desire to learn more?

I’m not offended at their (perhaps unintentionally) injurious comments; that would be too easy.  No, I’m learning.  This is a pernicious trap of logic, a hasty generalization.  Such exchanges remind me to work to avoid this pitfall myself.

“Mm-hmm.  Whatever you say.  On to page 2…”

No

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going wherever this pencil takes me

 

Every No is a chance to learn something.  Every closed door, every rejection, every empty inbox.  Every outpouring of effort that fails to make even the tiniest ripple.  Every twinge of disappointment, every shameful time you realize that you don’t measure up.

 

Nos hurt; they make you question what you’re doing and why you do it.  But this is exactly why Nos are also a great impetus for growth.  Why are you doing that?  Is there something to learn here?  Is that No a permanent roadblock?

 

Yes can be too easy.  Yes absolves you from the responsibility of reflection.  Yes tells you what you’re doing right, not what you need to work on.  Yes makes you soft.

 

I’m on a mission to collect Nos.  I have a lot to learn.

Mock

“I’m afraid of being made fun of.”

 

How many times have my students confided this fear in me?  Ashamed to struggle, flustered at their mistakes, looking like they want to disappear.

I wonder, What’s the big deal?

Since when do strangers’ opinions matter?  Why are we so ready to give away our confidence to imaginary people who fictionally criticize us?

This mentality seems to speak to the greater idea that unless you’re going to be great at something, it’s not worth trying.  Anything less than excellence is insufficient.  You run the risk of entering the annals of history as a Failure.

 

Is our sense of self-importance that inflated, that our failures, never mind our very existences, will be remembered for more than 5 nanoseconds?

 

Push the logic a bit further, and it falls to pieces.

I screw up, forget things, commit acts of thoughtlessness.
I have a funny accent when I speak foreign languages.
I’m sure my lipstick is never smooth and flawless.
I trip over my feet, my skirts ride up, I get parsley in my teeth.
At times, I have no idea what to say.  I get testy on occasion.
I ruin recipes and often write what I think is garbage.

So what?  We all do.

Criticism from one person is fleeting.  As is the embarrassment of screwing up.

More than fictional criticism that hasn’t happened yet, we should be afraid of leaving this world with regret in our hearts, at not having tried.

Let’s get over ourselves, and just do it.

Judge

Commute to work.

There’s the middle-aged homeless man, always perched somewhere on this commercial street, who I pass nearly every day.  He squints upward at me, and we exchange nods and hellos.  From time to time, I’ve given him my spare change, a bottle of water, some clementines from the market.

Today, I smile my usual hello to him in response to his greeting.  Our daily call-and-response.

I see a young, bearded man, about 25 years old.  I’ve seen him and other chipper young people, wearing a different color vest every couple months, canvassing for clean water, AIDS research, human rights protection… All noble causes that have web sites I can consult for more information.  I’m not looking to receive a lecture from a bright-eyed twenty-something about how I should be using my money.

I smile my hello in response to the perched man’s greeting, then see the young man approaching, in his fluorescent yellow vest, arms open wide and incredulous.  “How about you give him a sandwich instead of your ‘hello’?” he chastises me in French.

I feign ignorance and reply in English: “No thank you sir, have a good day!”

I walk off, brain buzzing in thought.  I wonder why he intervened.  I’m sure he thought he was doing the Right Thing.  He was so sure that he was justified in confronting me.  He decided that I was someone who needed to be put in her place, that I needed a lesson in how to be decent to other people.

In his mind, I’m a cold, uncaring, callous, selfish woman.  Am I?  In my mind, he’s a self-righteous busybody that projects judgment onto others, which saves him from directing it inward.  Is he?

 

We love weaving narratives from dubious scraps of information.

 

It comforts us to find a demonstrable cause-effect, an explanation to justify a conclusion we’ve decided.  How much of our reality has been decided, packaged and sealed up, and stamped “TRUE” in our brain?  No longer subject to analysis or criticism, or even logic, how many of the beliefs that guide our lives have we etched in stone?

 

That stranger is laughing as I walk by because they’re mocking me.

My friend hasn’t called because I’ve done something wrong and they’re mad at me.

I never win anything because that’s my fate.  I was born a Loser.

That dog chose to piss on the tree nearest me as a power move; that dog has it out for me.

 

My silly brain makes these sorts of little decisions all the time.  But I’ve learned it’s generally a good idea to subject them to review before filing them under “TRUE.”

Care

Sometimes, things start to feel lackluster, and one day blends unremarkably into another.  I’m on auto-pilot, and the urge to complain comes about more frequently than I’d like.  My head is filled with cotton, and the outside world looks bland and uninviting.

Ennui:  a feeling of dissatisfaction and bored, weary listlessness due to a lack of excitement and stimulation.  Also associated with cynicism, world-weariness, and self-indulgence.  I’m so deep, man.  I’ve got a bad case of ennui.  It’s a French word, look it up.

Ugh.  I’m giving myself douche chills.  I can’t stand myself when I feel this way.  In order to combat this feeling of stagnation and boredom, I pull out my mental list.  I pare things down, take a deep breath, and try to look at myself, now.  What is special about this moment?  Is there something I can indulge in, to appreciate my world and bring things into color and focus?

§

This morning, while shaking off the remnants of a nightmare, I poured myself a bowl of Cocoa Krispies.  I hadn’t tasted these babies since I was a kid, and the silly monkey on the box called out to me at the grocery store earlier this week.  In the gray quiet shadows of the morning, I curled up onto my couch with my bowl of sugary nostalgia, and chowed down.  Something lifted in my heart, and I felt a nice warmth there.  Sure, I’m shirking my healthy-living promise to myself; but sometimes, a guilty pleasure is just what you need.  Every chocolatey morsel of goodness brought a new idea to mind.

I recommend everyone make themselves a list.  You might be surprised at how small a gesture it takes to show yourself a little loving compassion.

 

For me, it could be…

 

The nostalgic crunch of breakfast cereal

A piece of whole-grain bread topped with a chunk of sharp English cheddar

Gliding my new gorgeous Micron pen across the smooth paper in my new notebook

Caressing the pages of a new journal, deciding what its purpose shall be

Burning a stick of incense I’ve been saving from Japan

Admiring a rare sight here: the frosted white treetops on a frigid morning

Brushing through my hair, adding oil to make it shine

Painting my nails clear in an effort to stop biting them

Pouring myself a finger of Cuban rum at the end of a 6-day work week

Wearing an outfit that makes me feel like my final form

Quenching my thirst with a large, perfectly cool glass of water

Looking up a new subject to learn about (at the moment: 18th century cooking and re-enacting)

Walking through the garden, smelling the herbs

Planning an upcoming trip or outing

 

I’m talking about self-care:  doing things because they make you feel good, and for no other reason.  I’ve made a list, and when things start to look gray and I need a pick-me-up, I refer to my list of comforts.

Now, on this gray Sunday afternoon shrouded in fog, I’m off to another one of my comforts:  gathering around the table with family, and enjoying a meal.  Today’s meal:  pot-au-feu.  Please excuse me while I run off to stuff my face as an act of self-kindness.

 

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another loving act:  getting a close-up view of some flowers

Why do mannequins have nipples?

The first logical thought is that they’re there to show fabric transparency and thickness. But are there that many women who go braless that the nippled mannequin is necessary? And if it’s a question of pert nipples potentially ruining your next family photo, why don’t male mannequins have nipples?

Do they up the resale value?

In case of emergency, use mannequin torso to break glass?

Perhaps they’re the product of a 40-year-old virgin at the mannequin factory on a dare:
“Say Mickey, there’s rumors flyin’ around that you’ve never had yourself a dame.”
“Screw you Tony, I been with plenty ‘a broads. Look, I even know where the nipples go.”

Or is it a shoutout to all those dadboners out there, to throw them a piece of PG eye candy? You know the kind of male specimen: uptight, high-strung with ergonomic sneakers and high-waisted jeans, responsible polo shirt and fanny pack, keepin’ it Christian. The ones that hate their job, but love their family… at least, when they’re not dreaming about what they could have done with their lives. The kind of male specimen that accompanies his wife while shopping, holding her bag, waiting patiently for her while fantasizing about revving the station wagon engine and leaving her nagging ass in the dust. He’s sitting like a good boy, when out of the corner of his eye, a tight little number catches his eye. A quick glance around confirms, nobody’s watching. He lets his eyes dip down to admire the pert perfection of the daringly stylish mannequin. He admires her figure, reminding himself that it’s not infidelity if she’s made of plastic. His heart beats a little faster, he licks his lips, and dusts off his former signature move; coquettishly, he winks at her. No response; she’s playing hard to get. No matter, he thinks. I’ll be back next week, my sweet.

Hey, everyone deserves their little slice of happiness.

And that’s why mannequins have nipples.